The MTV 2003 movie awards Matrix Reloaded Spoof.
(Transcribed by Nathan Bane)
Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott walk around the corner of a corridor in Seann William Scott’s apartment block.
Jason Timberlake: Yeah, but I knew it was Ashley the whole time…
Seann William Scott: Right?
Both, laughing: Ch’yeah!
Seann William Scott: Hah, ladies, in a few seconds we’ll be sipping on some crys (as in crystal champange) and watching the 2003 MTV movie awards.
Everyone: Ha Ha.
Jason Timberlake winks at the girls, but Seann William Scott has trouble with the lock to his apartment.
Jason Timberlake: Quit playing around, Sean.
Seann William Scott: I’m not, dude, my key won’t fit.
Keymaker: You must be the ones!
Some dramatic matrix score music plays.
Jason Timberlake: Oh cool! It’s the super!
Keymaker: Actually, I’m the keymaker!
He takes off the key around his neck and unlocks the door with dramatic “door opening” background music.
Keymaker: Don’t worry. You’ll be inside in JUST a moment.
Seann William Scott: Awesome, thanks!
The door opens, a golden light shines on Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott and they are sucked, matrix style into the door, much to the surprise of the “babes”. The Keymaker blows on his key.
Keymaker to babes: What’s happening hotstuffs?
Cut to: Zion rave scene in Reloaded. Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott are deluged with buckets of sweat flying off the ravers.
Seann William Scott: Urrr! Dude!
Jason Timberlake: Where the hell are we?
Geeky Guy with silly hat and squeeky gay voice: You’re in Zion baby!
Seann William Scott: What is this place?
Geeky Guy: Duh! It’s obviously an underground city where the last remaining humans live and the robots are coming to kill us. Doesn’t that just wanna make you wanna party? Yeah!
Jason Timberlake: Dude, lets get outta here.
Seann William Scott: I don’t know man, thers gilrs look pretty hot. Check it out, you can totally see their dimples.
Geeky Guy: Oh my god there’s Morpheus! Whoo! I LOVE YOU MORPHEUS!
Morpheus: Zion! Hear me!
The audience of ravers cheers then falls silent.
Geeky Guy: He’s having a huge party at his place later tonight….at least that’s what many of us have heard.
Morpheus: It is true, what many of you have heard…
Crowd cheers with delight
Geeky Guy: Yess! (Crying with happiness) Morpheus! What can we expect at this party?
People in crowd stare at each other. 😕
Jason Timberlake: Man! I’m out! :angry:
Seann William Scott: Sounds kinda kinky! 😀 heh heh
Jason Timberlake drags him away by his ear.
Seann William Scott: Ow!Ow!Ow!
Geeky Guy: Okay…I’ll see you guys there! And bring plenty of balloons!
Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott emerge into a bright white, seeming endless corridor lined with an infinite number of pale green doors. Jason Timberlake is wearing a similar outfit to Neo’s Matrix 1 lobby storming costume. Seann William Scott is in a shiny, tight, PVC jacket and trousers.
Jason Timberlake, checking out Seann William Scott’s outfit: Pfft! 😀
Seann William Scott, defensively: What? 😮
Jason Timberlake: Nothing 🙂
They look down one endless length of corridor, than the other.
Seann William Scott: Great. An infinite hallway of doors.
They start walking, Seann William Scott’s outfit squeaking loudly.
Jason Timberlake: one of these HAS to lead back to your apartment.
Seann William Scott, looking anxious: You know what? You try that one, I need to use this one! He runs through a door with a “mens toilets” sign on it.
Jason Timberlake opens the door opposite and walks through to:
Reloaded scene – Neo sitting on bench in inner city playground with Oracle.
Neo: And something happens, something bad. She starts to fall. And I wake up.
Oracle: Now that’s messed up!
They both look up as Jason Timberlake walks around to sit on the bench with them.
Jason Timberlake: I’m so sorry to interrupt you guys, but I’m really lost.
Oracle: Wait a minute! 🙂 Your that boy from N’Sync. (Jason Timberlake looks smug)
What happend to your Jerry Curl, man, that was a good look for you. Yeah, that was hot! (To Neo), You know them boys, right?
Neo: I’ve never heard of them.
Oracle: You never heard of N’Sync? 🙄
Neo: No. 🙁
Oracle: Those boys can dance! (To Jason Timberlake) Come’on man, show’im your moves
Jason Timberlake: Do I have to? 🙁
Oracle: I’m the Oracle, gosh darn diddley!
Jason Timberlake *mental sigh*, starts doing some dance moves.
Neo: If I had to guess, I’d say your a programme from the machine world.
Jason Timberlake: No, man, I’m just doing the robot! Hey, you should try it:
stands up, starts doing “the robot”. Neo stares up at him with a
Oracle: Yeah! work it! Come’on Neo, get in there, man, do the robot!
Neo: Why? 🙁
Oracle: Come’on man, you da one! You can do it all!
Neo: No 🙁
Oracle: Come’on man, domo arigato, Mr Roboto
Jason Timberlake, in sing-song voice: You can do the robot with Jason Timberlake! (in this case actually saying “Jason Timberlake”)
Neo: What if I can’t? What happens if I fail? 🙁
Jason Timberlake: 🙄 Okay dude, lighten up for real. It’s just the robot.
Neo: No. I can’t do that. 🙁
Neo: I won’t. 🙁
Oracle: Well hell, I will!
Gets up, starts dancing with Jason Timberlake
Oracle in sing-song voice: Talk to me boy! Don’t be scared! (dances suggestively)
Jason Timberlake: Oh God! 😮
Oracle: Ooh! Come’on, do the part, do the na-ked part.
Dramatic matrix music cuts in and a scene of Agent Smith walking towards them. It changes to Seann William Scott in Smith’s suit.
Seann William Scott, overprouncing everything: Miss-ter-Tim-ber-lake!
Jason Timberlake (doing same): Miss-ter-Will-iam-Scott-t
Oracle: Hey, your that guy who gets wet in American P-
Seann William Scott sticks his hand into her stomach and a shiny liquid tar like substance starts flowing over her.
Oracle: Ooh! You hitten’ the spot! How big is your fist? Good Lord! Hey, wait a minute man, these clothes are dry clean only!
Seann William Scott: You’ll liiike, being a dude!
The oracle turns into another Seann William Scott.
Seann William Scott clone: I do!
Dramatic music plays as lots of Seann William Scott clones run into the playground.
Jason Timberlake: That is a shovel load of Stiflers!
The Seann William Scott’s all crick their necks.
Jason Timberlake puts on shades, assumes a fighting pose and do the “come hither” gesture everyone copies off Morpheus and Neo these days. Big fight scene ensues, Jason Timberlake starts dancing and fighting at the same time, interspersed with scenes from the Burlybrawl and set to Jason Timberlake’s music.
Jason Timberlake flying kicks one of the clones who spins around and accidentally punches Seann William Scott
Seann William Scott (while repeated punching clone back): STOP! HITTING! YOURSELF!
Seann William Scott: Who farted?
Seann William Scott and the clones crack up laughing.
Seann William Scott: Seans! Focus!
the clones stop laughing.
Seann William Scott: Let’s get Miss-ter Tim-ber-lake.
They all jom on Jason Timberlake, yelling: Sean Pile!
Seann William Scott, holding onto Jason Timberlake: Wet ninny, Miss-ter Tim-ber-lake
Jason Timberlake: Rarr! He hurls all the Seann William Scott’s off him and into the air.
Punches Seann William Scott who changes back into his P.V.C outfit.
Seann William Scott: oww! Justin, you really hit me! That is so not cool!
(Shoves Jason Timberlake on shoulder)
Jason Timberlake :angry:: heh (shoves Seann William Scott’s shoulder)
Seann William Scott shoves Jason Timberlake’s shoulder. The both laugh in an annoyed at the shoving manner.
Jason Timberlake shoves both of Seann William Scott’s shoulders.
Seann William Scott: Oh! shoves both Jason Timberlake’s shoulders.
The view them gets hazy, focuses out and refocuses, showing them to be on a computer moniter amongst a wall of blank monitors. They continue to shove and push each other until the monitor is turned off by someone holding a silver light-pen. The hand clicks the pen and all the screens now show Neo, with a bank of monitors behind each Neo also showing Neo. The camera pans around and we can see we are in a large round room of monitors all showing Neo. It has a bright white floor and two white doors on opposite sides. Neo, Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott are standing in the middle of the room between the two doors. Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott are surprised to find themselves standing next to Neo and almost have a fright. In the direction they are facing, a high backed leather chair swings around, a man sitting in it. He wears a pale grey Edwardian cut 3 piece suit, has grey curly hair (almost to the point of being an afro) and a bushy grey beard and moustache. His expression is quite solumn, or reserved. His appearance suggests a stereotypical southern state confederate colonel, or a passing relation of Colonal Sanders.
Larry the Architect: Hello. I’ve been waiting for you three.
Neo: Who are you?
Jason Timberlake: Yeah, who are you? Seann William Scott nods.
Larry the Architect: I am….the Architect….but please….call me Larry.
Jason Timberlake & Seann William Scott: 😀
Seann William Scott: Hey…Larry! 😀
Jason Timberlake: Larry! 😀
Larry the Architect: I created the matrix….and several popular video games….including Q-Bert….and DikDuk
Jason Timberlake & Seann William Scott: 🙂 remember that?…:) Yeah… ha ha
Larry the Architect: I didn’t create Frogger….but I came up with the name for it.Can you believe they wanted to call it – “Highway Crossing Frog”?
Seann William Scott: :angry: That is so lame!
Larry the Architect: I know….:roll: It’s the lamest thing I ever heard of 🙄
“Highway Crossing Frog” :roll:….
Neo: Why am I here?
Seann William Scott: Yeah, why are we here?
Larry the Architect: Is there an echo in here?
Disembodied voice: Is there and echo in here?
Larry the Architect: The MTV music awards are a systemic anomily inherent to the programming of the matrix. Although the transport process has altered your consciousness, you irrevocably remain human. Ergo, concordantly, vis a vie….you know what? I have no idea what the hell I’m saying. I just thought it would make me sound cool.
Neo: You haven’t answered my question.
Larry the Architect: I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now so you just need to chill out. Hm? Can you do that?
Larry the Architect: I appreciate that. (To Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott)Thankyou.
Now originally Neo was the one originally chosen to host the show. But hosting is a full time commitment….and….he’s been a little distracted lately….
The monitor screens change to show Trinity.
Larry the Architect: See what I’m talking about?
Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott see this and nod.
Larry the Architect: That’s why I brought in Sean and Justin, because you my friend….are completely….Girlie Whipped!
Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott: Oooooh! (They start making whip crack sound effects)
Neo: Baloney! (The Neo’s in the monitors echo this response)
Larry the Architect: Watch the sass, Captain Sassy Pants
Seann William Scott: Yeah, your kind of spazzing out, dude.
Neo: You haven’t answered my question.
Larry the Architect: Yes I did. You seewhat I-
Neo: You haven’t answered my-
Larry the Architect: I’m trying! You just need to let me talk!
Neo: Why am I here?
Larry the Architect, shaking his head and closing his eyes: Urgh! Would you shut up!
Neo: You won’t let it-
Larry the Architect: NO YOU WON’T LET IT! I’M THE ONE WHO TALKS! OKAY? MOUTHS SHUT, EARS OPEN!
Neo: You haven’t answered my-
Larry the Architect: YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE ME GET OUT OF THIS CHAIR! ERGO OPEN YOUR YAPPER ONE MORE TIME AND I’M GOING TO ARCHITECT A WORLD OF PAIN ALL OVER YOUR CANDYHEAD! ERGO!….VIS A VIE!
Neo: This is about-
Larry the Architect: CONCORDANTLY!
Larry the Architect: Justin
Jason Timberlake: Yeah?
Larry the Architect: I apologize. I don’t usually like to use my big voice.
Jason Timberlake: That alright dog, just tell us how to get to the movie awards.
Larry the Architect: There are two doors. The door on your left leads siddy boy here back to his witch.
Larry the Architect: Uh-huh! What up, G? You can’t handle it!
Larry the Architect: The door on your right leads to the MTV 2003 movie awards.
Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott nod at each other.
Larry the Architect: And the mini door is for Muffin to go out and piddle.
Neo looks down at the cat going through the cat flap.
Larry the Architect: What? yes, uh-uh, uh-uh, hey! (clicks fingers). No. You are bizarre. 😀 (Shakes his head)
Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott go to the door on their right (our left)
Seann William Scott: Thanks Larr’!
Larry the Architect: Don’t mention it. Oh, and hey, (Jason Timberlake and Seann William Scott turn to him) Go host the monkey out of that show!
Jason Timberlake: Bune! (They Disappear)
Neo walks to the door on his left (our right)
Neo: If I were you-
Larry the Architect: Bite your tongue. Bite it!
Neo: I would hope that we don’t meet again.
Larry the Architect (shaking head): Why’d you say that? I told you to shut up! (He gets up, runs at Neo and dive tackles him through the door.
Larry the Architect: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!